The quest for happiness is a curious thing. Now I have finally found it, I seem to be intent on trying to push it away. The demons that I have been carrying around for so long are giving one last snarl. Fears are surfacing. Paranoia tries to overcome me once again.
It began yesterday. A subtle shift in mood. A whispering in my head that said he was going to cancel. That he wouldn’t want to see me, that he would have changed his mind about how he felt. I knew that I could have put it to death with a text. I knew that all I had to do was ask for reassurance and he would have given it willingly.
But habits need breaking.
For myself, for him, I cannot continue to carry the baggage of the past around. I want to exorcise the voices that try to keep me small. I want to be a better person. A person who believes I am worthy of his love. Happiness is not something to be scared of. The dream of us is so powerful that it will break through any wall or barrier or test. And when fear grips me in the early hours of the morning and I am consumed by doubts that I am enough for him, he holds me close and dissolves all of my uncertainties.
He is the key that unlocks the shackles with which I have kept myself bound. He is the light which extinguishes the shadows of my past. He is the calm at the centre of my storm. If I offer him more than I want to give, if I try and sell him a false fantasy, he sees straight through it. He takes my hand in his and I feel our souls entwine. He guides me away from the darkness and into the sunlit world of his love. When our eyes meet, I remember that I am his and he is mine.
We are perfect, just the way we are.
Together we are free.
It’s amazing how quickly life can change. It is less than three weeks since we met for that drink and now every second of every day my heart beats with dreams of him. It is a whirlwind but one that has been a year in the making. We already know each other so well, we’ve already read the small print. It’s like our souls had signed the contract months ago and they were just waiting for us to finally take the first step. And now we have, our relationship is travelling at the speed of light. Perhaps it should feel scary, but the reality is it feels like coming home. The rest of the world falls away and there is only us and the force of our love.
I never knew what it felt to be alive until now. Every second with him crackles and burns with the most intense energy. It radiates out from us and infuses our surroundings, other people are drawn to us and it lifts them higher. They might not know what it is and where it has come from, but I can see the ecstasy of our elation reflected in their joy. Their laughter echoes the euphoria emanating from us. It sweeps over them like a temporary insanity, it raises them beyond the limits of normality and reveals just how incredible life can be.
He has given me this life.
His love has blessed the essence of my being. I’m not sure what I have done to be worthy of experiencing this but it feels as though someone, somewhere has listened to all the deepest wishes and desires of my heart and conjured them into existence through him. He is everything I ever wanted and more. When he is by my side it feels as though I could conquer anything the world could throw at me. And over the past three weeks the world has been cruel and unkind to him and he has stood strong as a mountain. He has been brave and tender and incredible when most others would have buckled under the pressure. And when he has needed to, he has come to me and stripped off his armour and bared his scars and sorrows and it has only made me love him more.
The fact that he feels safe enough with me to do that fills my heart to overflowing. I’ve only just started to discover all the facets that make up the brilliant jewel at his core but if the rest of my lifetime is spent exploring that treasure hunt then it will be the most exhilarating adventure. The whole of eternity wouldn’t be enough time to spend with him. The stars could burn out, the universe could fall into darkness and I would still be blinded by his light. Our souls were forged in the same fire. Now they have been reunited and they are burning brighter than a billion suns. My heart is a furnace and he is the fuel. The fire between us has melted all of the pain of the past. Our love is hammering out a new story. This is the world where we both belong.
This is the beginning of forever.